*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.