[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
The Assassin.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.