some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
My beach vacation Google searches
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Tony Hawk, age 6
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.