“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You Might Also Like
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.