HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Rt to bother an English speaker
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu