“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.