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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No