COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My therapist after every session
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.