In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.