-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Lol.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.