me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.