For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
selfie game
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Bring back the McRib
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.