wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.