Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?