I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’