In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hamburger Hinderer.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular