Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.