my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
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I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
This is always good for a laugh.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans