Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Natural selection at its finest
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.