When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
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This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar