Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
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FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
My whole life was a lie.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Hey I worked for it too!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.