Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
bro what is going on at twitter
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me