*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT