Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.