My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*