My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
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One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.