I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
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“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.