Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
the battle rages on
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Sharon, call the vet
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you