I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
There is wisdom there.