I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Most fashion shows these days…
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…