ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
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My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.