Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
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There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here