“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.