“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
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Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Mood.. 😂
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Wait for it
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?