Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day