The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
What is going on? 😅
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you