I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
called in thicc to work this morning
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.