a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
You Might Also Like
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
this is so top tier i cant
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?