If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either