Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER