Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
where do you see yourself in five years?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.