me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶