Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster