I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit