Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol