Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I love art.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.