Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
#NeverForget
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
describing stardew valley
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.