apparently this year was written by stephen king
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.