my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
You Might Also Like
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.