Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition